Primark – Men's fluffy slippers
£4
Available in all Primark shops, probably

Have you ever wanted to pad around your house with cats fastened to your feet but you’re too slow to catch those bastards? Well fret no more as for around a 10th the price of a catch alive cat trap, you can buy these Primark fluffy slippers – slippers that are designed for two things only: to keep your feet warm at home by being your indoor shoes, and to be completely forgettable when they’re on. These slippers get that right 50% of the time, most of the time.

I have laminated wooden flooring in my apartment and it’s getting to that time of year when it turns to ice and Ned Stark rises from the dead to tell everyone what season is coming. So off I went to Primark (which I’ll review soon…) to get some cheap slippers. After crouching down in and amongst the discarded McDonald’s food and possible human shit that blanketed the floor in a swirling mist of disgust, I found these misshapen bad boys.
I trudged my way to the till, subsequently losing my horse Artax in the Swamp of Sadness, paid for the item, took my paper bag containing my slippers, the heaved my way past all of the walking dead that stink up Primark towards home.

I opened the Primark brown paper bag once home, watching as the spirits of the damned flew out and dissipate into the air – whatever, at least my feet would be warm – but already the bloody things had ripped; almost a surgical incision. I did violently shove the Primark bag into my satchel bag for the journey home, but it shouldn’t have torn so easily. With that small weight of depression pulling me closer to an early grave, I studied the tag some more and saw that the innards were composed of memory foam. Now I have a theory of memory foam which begins thusly; memory foam is shit foam. It’s as if someone purchased a factory to make foam, had a go, then found out that the foam he produced just flattens and remains so after pressure has been alleviated and thought ‘screw it’ before selling it. Like a memory foam bed would be similar to sleeping in a sad canoe after a week.

That natural shape of these slippers opened a new mystery in my head as to which professional skateboarder had been thrashing about in them before they somehow ended up in my ownership. I slid the slippers on and paced around my apartment grimacing as they conjured up images of dead animals wrapped around my feet. The ‘traveling stability’ was like walking on Earth’s finest sand with my legs using every single muscle it could for me to stay standing. Wobbling around like a drunk chimpanzee, I made a cup of tea and attempted to carry it from the kitchen to my desk – I split most of it all over the room. Even now, a few days later, I’m still having to cling on to tables and walls to get anywhere while wearing them. So much for memory foam.

After all the sadness, these slippers aren’t too bad. So long as I’m not walking anywhere with them on, then they act as they’re supposed to be. Warm feet blankets.