Trimmer Tycoon By Improx Games

Free
Steam: Windows/OS X (Reviewed on OS X)

Trimmer Tycoon is a free game available on Steam for Windows and OS X. The fact that I’m repeating what the info box above says should tell you that I’m lost for words.
Taking up valuable megabytes of room, this game tasks you as the owner and head stylist of a beard grooming salon. Pixelated patrons amble in with one simple wish, and that’s to have their colourful beards trimmed and styled by a master craftsman; some customers dare to dream bigger by not only having their facial hair styled, but to have their skin colour changed too.

Once these hipster bastards sit in the grooming chair, you’re presented with RGB colour sliders in the bottom left corner while your mouse cursor becomes a trimmer when hovering over their face. You have to closely match the beard colour from their deepest desires by dicking about trying to guess which way on the slider does what, and then click and drag about the place to shave their huge beards akin to the one inside of their thoughts. Insanely boring.

I didn’t notice in my first and only playthrough (above), but every minute you have to pay rent via a direct debit because I couldn’t find an option to pay it all at the end of a calendar month, like normal people. Starting at $200 and increasing as time wears on, the greed-crazed landlord fucked my business up within 3 minutes of me being open. There was no time for mistakes as cutting someone’s face fuzz wrong means you, for some reason, have to pay them. Hell, there was no time for anything other than becoming poisoned by the face-rippingly awful music. Yes, you could turn it off, but I needed to experience the whole package, not some stripped down, customised-to-my-liking version.

What I took away from my short time with this simulation is that you should never ever follow your dreams and open up a brick-and-mortar shop/service because the man above you will piss on you until you drown, and all to line his pockets with gold. Plus hipster beards are truly stupid.