Starbucks - Pumpkin Spice Latte£3.25 (yeah...I know)
Available seasonally in Starbucks
It’s that time of the year when the western world comically commercialises the day of the dead by dressing up in bin bags, force sweets from old people, and murder one another as people clap thinking it’s a Halloween show. And with this cheap madness comes the not-at-all cheap Pumpkin Spice Latte from every writer’s favorite office space, Starbucks.
Having my Twitter feed explode with everyone going mental over a seasonal cup of coffee (I soon unfollowed them), I thought it best to finally try one out for myself as I’ve been on this planet for 28 years without experiencing one.
I braved the shit English weather and made my way into
the Apple store Starbucks and laid down my order with aplomb. After picking up jaw from the counter upon hearing the price, I realised that this site doesn’t get enough ad revenue for this kinda shit so I took my mug of the most expensive coffee I had ever bought and sat down at a sticky table and waited for the ridiculous over-excitement to flow through my veins as it’s been known to do.
I sat there. It sat there. I didn’t feel alive and the Pumpkin Spice Latte certainly wasn’t. Figuring out that it was mainly the females who got excited by this product, I pushed the mug across the table to under my wife’s nose who was sat across me. She looked up from her book like a school teacher silently admonishing a child during quiet time; nothing again. I expected a catnip situation here. Only one thing left to do and that was to actually try it before the gloom of London absorbed the heat.
I wanted to hate it, I truly did, but it was nice. Apparently I’m a bitter soul and I find myself ingesting sugar as if I’m trying to raise the share price, and this mug of sickly sweetness was exactly what I needed after having to deal with the street of shit that this particular Starbucks was located.
After slowly sipping on this syrupy goodness, I thought about the detriment that this has on one’s health and then drank the rest like a shot. I didn’t care, and I still don’t. Good stuff, Starbucks… they’re laughing as I had to remortgage my house for a cup of warm sugar water, dentists are laughing all the way to the bank, and I’m laughing because of a sugar rush.