Jamie Oliver is a byword for healthy eating and those 15 minute meal shows he has on TV which only ever use that one single song over and over again. So why was it that I just had a plate of pure human shit at one of his franchised restaurants?

For the princely sum of £14.50, you can get a burger and fries of which you’d expect it to be fucking amazing considering it’s A: from a chain that Jamie bloody Oliver stuck his name on, and B: a stupid amount to pay for burger and chips. Just as stupid as charging £5 for a bottle of beer…which I ordered.

After wiping the crumbs off from my seat and ordering the damned burger I looked out of the giant windows at all the shitty budget airline planes that littered the taxiways of Gatwick Airport, each down-and-out plane plastered with bright decals dotting the landscape as the cold sunlight diffused by the perpetual grey sky of England filtered through the dirty glass of the building and onto my fed up face. Before long my pre flight dinner had arrived, served on a chopping board just incase I had forgotten that I was in a restaurant and it was at this point I wanted to cancel my vacation and live within a mountain cave somewhere.

The cardboard-emulating fries came in a copper pot and were nuclear waste yellow in colour – no amount of condiments would ever make these yellow sticks of shit ever taste good; bitter on the tongue and an aftertaste that made me want to rip my mouth off. I’ve had some awful attempts at fries before but nothing has ever come close to the horizon of the utter shite that Jamie’s Italian at Gatwick produce. Stunning.

I only took one photo on my phone of the burger for this site because I didn’t want to stumble across it at a later date and for it to completely ruin my week, so scroll up and have a look.
Never have I ever seen a burger that uses a very narrow spectrum of brown in its entirety, no break in colour apart from the dollop of soured vomit that looks to have been thrown on top violently out of a passing jet. The bacon was like orc-leather armour, the bun would’ve made amazing body reinforcements for a tank, and the patty was like chewing a novelty eraser from a stationary shop.
A burger has to be one of the most easiest items to cobble together on a menu, yet how the cooks (not chefs) at Jamie’s Italian Gatwick managed to completely mess up this ‘prepared off site so just fry/warm up when ordered’ shit of a meal completely baffles me beyond all realms of consciousness.

I couldn’t finish the meal and I was starving close to death. Quite possibly one of the most awfully shite meal I’ve ever had the incredibly overpriced and astronomical misfortune of eating. I wouldn’t bury this withering plate of garbage in the ground for fear of contaminating the planet.