Neat Burger – Chik’n Burger

A Review in Cuisine - 28/12/2021

"All of the marketing material on the walls lovingly stated how much your meal saves a planet’s worth of water by not watering cows or some shit, and how plant-based living is the best ever or something. I dunno, I didn’t properly read any of it"
Neat Burger, London £8.99 - burger only (£1.50 for extra cheese) A while ago I decided to better myself and join the only elite club I’d ever be able to get into and became a vegetarian. Not quite the to the lofty heights of being a vegan card-holder as I’d rather inhale the takeoff blast from a rocket destined for deep space. The switch to ‘not being good enough to be a vegan’ was surprisingly easy considering I couldn’t class a meal as an actual meal unless it had some form of meaty protei...
Plant Kitchen – No Pork Streaky Bacon

A Review in Cuisine - 05/05/2021

Marks & Spencer £3 Vegetarians will tell you (usually when asked, not bleating on and on spoiling pure silence like vegans) that they made the switch to a plant-based lifestyle because they don’t want to be a part of the suffering of animals and the destruction planet and yada-yada. Yet they’ll snuffle about looking for a meat substitute that looks and tastes exactly like meat, and if their vegetarian burger doesn’t taste exactly like a meat burger they’ll throw it back on the plate and decl...
Melrose And Morgan – Mince Pies

A Review in Cuisine - 10/12/2020

"Along with the same ten Christmas songs on repeat and the burning cold of a misty London day, mince pies start their ascension from the depths of our collective memory to adorn every inch of prime retail-shelving estate"
£12.99 from Selfridges, London The Christmas season is upon us once again making us wonder where the hell the rest of the year went as we emerge from a second national lockdown, shielding our malnourished eyes from the dazzle of fairy lights and seasonal Xmas glitter – because if the birth of Christ himself has taught us anything, the man loved a party and loved his tinsel. Along with the same ten Christmas songs on repeat and the burning cold of a misty London day, mince pies start their as...
McDonald’s Signature Collection – The Classic

A Review in Cuisine - 31/07/2020

"The sensation I got was the same as tipping out the bulging contents of an airline sick bag into plastic bread and calling it lunch."
“£6.19 McDonald's Signature Collection - The Classic” After paying actual money to wipe down a table and stool dashed with stale Coke and push a small hill of previous diners’ trash out of the way,  I flipped open a box containing the new Signature Collection Classic burger from Mcdonald’s. Enough of the traditional Big Mac or Quarter Pounder, it was time to push the boat out into the silky sea of fine dining. Within, the objet de curiosité came packaged in a paper sleeve invoking ideas of ...
Ryanair – Cheese & Ham Panini

A Review in Cuisine - 10/05/2018

"Nothing about this item fell within the parameters of a panini"
“€5.50 Ryanair” Ascending on a Ryanair flight above the comically Victorian smog that layered London, I found myself to be peckish for something to eat . I pulled out the grease-riddled in-flight literature from the dirty seat pocket in front and soon found the crumpled pages advertising the on-board menu. Scab-looking potato chips, coffee that looked to be stagnant water scooped from a dying puddle, and a selection of sandwiches; I opted for the cheese & ham panini. [Screen-Shot-2018-05-...
Tesco – Chicken And Black Bean Ready Meal

A Review in Cuisine - 08/01/2018

"The black bean sauce that congealed the meaty bits tasted like a rubbery, battery-powered car accident"
“£2.50 (or two for £4) Tesco” We all walk past the fridge full of ready meals in Tesco and peer in to see what's up, but nobody is desperate enough to actually ever open the door and purchase one. Well, I am; plus I wanted to understand the treasures contained within the seldom-opened ice chamber surrounded by its muggy forcefield of misery. The first thing I noticed upon closer inspection was the heft which was largely in part due to the riot shielding they used for a lid. It took me a goo...
KFC – Double Down

A Review in Cuisine - 14/11/2017

"I picked up the war-torn looking slabs of possibly repurposed chicken and bit into it..."
“£5.79-ish Select KFC restaurants (UK)” The biting winds cut into my skin like frozen razor blades as I dragged my feet one in front of the other down Baker Street. Tourists dot the pavement with their expensive cameras looking for any and all Sherlock Holmes inspired signs to take back with them and show their family and friends; a picture of something about someone who didn’t exist, a red bus, a London phone booth. I swung a left and pushed open an oily door to the finest fried chicken e...
Le Pain Quotidien – Chicken & Leek Pie

A Review in Cuisine - 08/11/2017

Chicken & Leek Pie £11.95-ish Le Pain Quotidien restaurants   “One of those, my good sir!” I gleefully pointed to the chicken & leek pie on the paper menu at Le Pain Quotidien then leaned back in my chair with my hands now laced across my stomach. The nice waiter jotted down the table’s order and headed off to begin preparations while a content smile lifted my face as I looked out through the window. Nothing but a layer of glass stopping the bitter cold from aching my aging bones. My smile dr...
The Good Life Eatery – Sunset Club Sandwich

A Review in Cuisine - 06/11/2017

£11-ish St. John's Wood Popping up on the corner of the diabolically boring St John’s Wood highstreet is your run-of-the-mill healthy eating bullshit kind of place. Occupied with the occasional A-lister and twats in plaid shirts writing scripts (like the bellend in front of me), The Good Life Eatery is a magnet for creatives with Macs, stuck up vegans, and bored housewives that mindlessly stir their coffee and look out upon the middle distance wondering what would’ve been had they not just c...
Jamie’s Italian – Gatwick

A Review in Cuisine - 13/09/2017

£20-ish Gatwick Airport, London Jamie Oliver is a byword for healthy eating and those 15 minute meal shows he has on TV which only ever use that one single song over and over again. So why was it that I just had a plate of pure human shit at one of his franchised restaurants? For the princely sum of £14.50, you can get a burger and fries of which you’d expect it to be fucking amazing considering it’s A: from a chain that Jamie bloody Oliver stuck his name on, and B: a stupid amount to pay f...