"It's like rehydrated powdered vomit, but not as nice"

Mug Shot by Symington's £0.60p All supermarkets, probably   After my awful time with Pot Noodle, I thought it not fair to tar every instant noodle dish with the same disgusting brush. So during a trip to my local Tesco’s, this particular Mug Shot burned deep into my retina with it’s orange packaging, surrounding itself in a haze sent from the gods above. Once home and using your standard modern cooking tools – a kettle – I ripped open the packet and was immediately punched in the face with th...

"Had it not been my apartment, I would’ve hurled that bowl of undying sorrow through a window"

Uncle Ben's Rice Time (Sweet and Sour) £1.85 Available in most supermarkets   I’m buying groceries like every gentleman does, weaving around the shoe dragging knuckleheads in my local Tesco Express as if I’m filming an escape scene from The Walking Dead when something catches my attention. Brightly packaged and placed directly in my eye line sat a row of Uncle Ben’s Rice Time pots; ‘Sweet & Sour’ the label read. I grabbed it ham-fistedly and snaked my way to the cashier whom I suspected was d...

Mcdonald's McRib £5.46-ish Limited time availability I hear the gleeful screams of the townsfolk, the jovial cries from the town crier, and the excited heel-clicking quick talk from the street urchins. I see the signals in the sky, I can feel it in the waters, and I can hear it whispered in the winds by Saruman himself.  The McDonald’s McRib is back. I’ve never had one of these McRib sandwiches before as I don’t really keep my ear on the ground when it comes to Ronald’s fine eatery; but nati...

Chicken Cottage Most Highstreets The Restaurant: I was dragging myself to a connecting bus journey after a long and stressful day at work (where I hadn’t eaten lunch as I had too much important shit to do) when I chanced upon a fast food outlet as I struggled down the street, weighed down by the body-stopping hunger that writhed through me. Awesome! I thought as I stepped inside to be greeted by a warm, familiar, and almost spicy smell. Unfortunately, the queue for KFC was too big and there w...

Haribo Tangfastics £1.49 All supermarkets   Laying dormant in an eye shieldingly bright bag is a series of sugar coated shapes of tooth eroding, chemical explosions. Forget those normal Haribo sweets, these are for real men. Men who want to feel their teeth fizz for hours after consuming one, men who want to eat a nuclear explosion. Hell, the name itself is a warning – Tangfastics…Tang and fastics, together, as one. Watch out world, I’m gonna be doubled up and foaming at the mouth like a drug...

Sainsbury’s Tuna & Sweetcorn Pasta £2.00 Sainsbury's   I purchased this to lunch on during my break from work. Aesthetically, it looks as if it was cobbled together during an airstrike, while a prize fighter who’s too tired to try ham-fistedly punches the stickers on. Not a pleasing nor enticing look, at all. I chose this as a safe bet; I like tuna, I like pasta, I’m partial to sweetcorn. So all together, this should had been a fun time. It was not a fun time. My guesses are that the wheat i...

Pot Noodle – Chicken & Mushroom Flavour £1.00 All supermarkets   For those who’re not in the loop, Pot Noodle is exactly that… noodles in a pot. Similar to the instant noodles of Asian cuisine, you just add boiled water to the mix and gently weep that you can’t prepare a better meal. I peel back the textured foil that seals the goodness within and already I’m being given orders. [IMG_3575-e1416146479548-300x300.jpg] Not one for disobeying direct orders from sachets of sauce, I dutifully ‘t...